You can hate me, but I would love you !
In our lives everyone might has some experiences of love and hate- whether it is Virtual or Real. Today the thing influences me to write this article, is extra-ordinary human behavior and relation with other people; specially the behavior of “you can hate me, but I would love you”. I searched and researched who are those people and how they do that ? Loving others, while they strongly hate you, is quite a tough thing to do. It requires strong nerves, courage and emotional control.
For example, if you love someone who literally hates you, what would be your feeling and what would you do?
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage”Lao Tzu
Let’s see what is love made for ? And it’s types:
Components of Love
First, looking at the constituents of Love and Hate; Sternberg gave the theory of Love Triangle and Hate Triangle:
Sternberg’s triangular theory of love
Robert J. Sternberg, Professor of Human Development, Cornell University.
He explains the structure of love and hate, elaborates the three basic components which are responsible for making the possibilities of love and hate. Sternberg also proposed different types of love and hate.
Intimacy. Intimacy refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in loving relationships. It thus includes within its purview those feelings that give rise, essentially, to the experience of warmth in a loving relationship.
Passion. Passion refers to the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation, and related phenomena in loving relationships. The passion component includes within its purview those sources of motivational and other forms of arousal that lead to the experience of passion in a loving relationship.
Decision/commitment. Decision/commitment refers, in the short-term, to the decision that one loves a certain other, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love. These two aspects of the decision/commitment component do not necessarily go together, in that one can decide to love someone without being committed to the love in the long-term, or one can be committed to a relationship without acknowledging that one loves the other person in the relationship.1
Same Triangle can be Hate Triangle, whereas the absence of these components is Hate.
Now lets see the interactions of Love and Hate:
Zaman’s Triple Effect Theory of Love and Hate
There are three possibilities between love and hate; 1- Love-Love, 2- Love-Hate and 3- Hate-Hate.
Love-Love situation is a win win situation when there is love at both sides. While Hate-Hate situation is worst and devastating where both sides are at high ignition rate of revulsion. And Love-Hate situation is quite interesting, one side has deep affection while other side is repugnant. Hate and love, despite of the fact that they are antonyms of each other, exist due to some kind of relation, information, linkage or belongings before. Without any of these it’s quite difficult to have love and or hate. “You can hate me, but I would love you” is extreme tolerance philosophy of loving the hatred ones.
When both sides are in love, Fusion effect occurs and it augments the love.
When both sides are in hate, Collision effect occurs and it results in disaster.
When one side is in love while other side is in hate, Displacement effect occurs. While if some positive impression force is added between these two, it results in love-love.
It is very easy to have love-love and hate-hate behaviors because it’s quite simple, while love-hate behavior is unique because it’s complex to understand and more difficult to practice.
Sacred Example of Muhammad (PBUH)
There are plenty of examples of Virtual & Real Love vs Hate behavior, in the history, but the most suited and top quality behavior among human history, is example of Muhammad, the greatest leader 1400 years ago. His love is beyond the theories, because his clemency was for whole of the world.
His extra-ordinary behavior is example for more than 2 billion people on earth. There are so many books written on the life of Muhammad and his entire life is full of visdom and guidance; but here I would like to quote few incidents of his life which shows how dil he love the people even when they hated him.
Journey to Ta’if:
When Muhammad, with his adopted son Zayd ibn Harithah went to Ta’if and treated badly with hateful actions. The individuals of Ta’if asked their kids to throw stones at Muhammad and Zayd ibn Harithah to make them leave the city and never return.
Muhammad and Zayd ibn Harithah were at long last turned out by deriding and scoffing swarms. The stones that were thrown at Muhammad and Zayd by the Ta’if kids made them bleed. Both were injured and seeping as they left Ta’if. Muhammad drained so lavishly from the stoning that his feet got coagulated to his shoes and was injured severely.
The angel came to Muhammad and gave him message of God that if you say, I would blow mountains to the people of Ta’if. Instead of any anger, Muhammad prayed for the people of Ta’if and asked the God to bless them with guidance.
An Old Woman :
Another incident of his life that is very famous; when an old woman used to throw garbage on him everyday as he passed by her house. But Muhammad never used to complain. One day no one threw trash on him. He was surprised and looked around for woman but couldn’t see her. He became concerned and he went to her house and knocked. “Come in” said the woman.
Muhammad set the examples of forgiving people who hated and tortured him even when he had power to get revenge; for instance on the occasion of conquering Makkah, Muhammad forgave all the people of Makkah. He asked his followers to follow on this principle of forgiving:
“Forgive him who does wrong to you; Join him who cuts you off; Do good to him who does bad to you and speak the truth even if it be against yourself.”Muhammad (PBUH)
World’s Thinkers and Leaders Views
There are few quotes of some world’s great thinkers and Leaders about Muhammad (PBUH):
Michael H. Hart
Michael H. Hart writes in his famous book “The 100” about Muhammad (PBUH):
Muhammad was the only man in history who was supremely successful on both the religious and secular levels. It is this unparalleled combination of secular and religious influence which I feel entitles Muhammad to be considered the most influential single figure in human history.Michael H. Hart [The 100]
Muhammd (PBUH) was far from knowing anger and quickly showed compassion for things. He was the most loving of men toward other people. He was the most auspicious of men and did the most good to others, and the most useful and beneficial to others.Imam Ghazali, Ihya’u Ulumiddin, Vol. 2
Muhammad came to the world with the message of the One Almighty God to lead the people out of darkness into the light. A new dawn that was perceptible on the horizon emerged. The day on which he received the revelation, the great reformer, Muhammad, restored the justice and freedom that were missing from the world. His sound reasoning enlightened the ignorant and the Arabs were finally roused from the slumber of slavery.Edward Ramsey, American orientalist
George Bernard Shaw
“I have always held the religion of Muhammad in high estimation because of its wonderful vitality. It is the only religion which appears to me to possess that assimilating capacity to the changing phase of existence which can make itself appeal to every age. I have studied him – the wonderful man, and in my opinion, he must be called the Savior of Humanity.George Bernard Shaw
“…I became more than ever convinced that it was not the sword that won a place for Islam in those days in the scheme of life. It was the rigid simplicity, the utter self-effacement of the prophet, the scrupulous regard for his pledges, his intense devotion to his friends and followers, his intrepidity, his fearlessness, his absolute trust in God and his own mission. These, and not the sword, carried everything before them and surmounted every trouble.”Mahatma Gandhi [YOUNG INDIA, 1924]
Prophet Muhammad was the inspiring prophet and believer. No one can contest this high status. The feelings of equality and fraternity founded by Muhammad among the Islamic bloc were applied in practice even on the Prophet himself.Cardifo, French philosopher
“In his private dealings, he was just. He treated friends and strangers, the rich and poor, the powerful and weak, with equity, and was beloved by the common people for the affability with which he received them, and listened to their complaints.”Washington Irving, American Author, Biographer and Historian
James Michener, The European historian wrote in his article, The Extraordinary Personality:
With his extraordinary personality, Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), caused a revolution in the Arabian Peninsula and in the whole East. He destroyed idols with his bare hands and established an eternal religion that calls for believing in the One Almighty God.James Michener, European historian
It’s quite hard to adapt Love-Hate behavior and forgiving people who did wrong to you or even impress him to love you but it’s a great men’s behavior that states “you can hate me, but I would love you”.
Respect others, Love the humans and all the creatures of God, so you shall be loved and respected. It will definitely makes all world, a peaceful place to live. God bless you all.
- How do I deal with being hated by someone I love?
By intensifying your positive impression force you can drag someone towards you. You have to control on your anger if mistreated, forgive and do some good thing for him/her.
- How do I accept being disliked?
Think about the human nature. It varies from human to human. Not all the humans are on equal standards of behaviors. So it is not surprising thing to be disliked. People treat others according to their own humanitarian standards. Let them do their job, but you must improve your behavior on high moral grounds that will make you better and better human being.
- What is the best way to love yourself even when everyone else hates you?
Best way is, looking into yourself if self improvement is required? Practice the improvements with your circle. Adapting you on high moral grounds can make you and others, like you.
- How can I avoid hating myself and loving others?
Loving others is a good thing but Hating yourself is not a good thing. God has created everything with some purpose. So keep in mind you have some value after all. This behavior usually emerge when you lag the world's fast growing tract. Look into yourself there would be many things good enough to make you proud among the world.
2- Abdul Wahid Hamid, (2004) Islam the Natural Way. UK: Muslim Education and Literary Services.